Covert Narcissist
symptoms, causes and healing from trauma
Written by: Javeria Khan published on: 9 January 2024
Introduction
Very unrecognized, depressed, resentful shy, have a victim mentality. They behave in passive aggressive way and don't display emotions publicly. They are more difficult to diagnosed even by professionals. Typically, hypersensitive in their behaviour. They are also know as introvert narcissist. Due to their shy behaviour people find it hard to recognized them. They typically avoid spotlight, which makes them different from overt type of narcissist, but they still crave attention and show controlling behaviour. The term was first coined by James Masterson, who called it "closet narcissist" In 1986. The research shows heavy evidence that they result of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect, which made them feel unworthy and inferior to others. As a defense mechanism, they develop this condition to satisfy their ego. This condition is also lifelong.
Symptoms and traits.
We can identify them through symptoms. As I have mentioned above that they are shy and introvert, but have all the qualities of typical narcissist. Here are the signs, which hopefully helps you to recognized them.
1- they do not directly tell you that they are better than you but find sneaky way to tell you they are superior
2- Highly sensitive to criticism. They find ways to take revenge from you most common is falsely accusing you of backbiting and turning people against them.
3- Hesitant to make first move in anything because they are afraid of rejection.
4- Self-deprecating and sabotaging attitude. Just to receive praise and compliment.
5- Initially in relationship they will love bomb to hook you in , then play the victim card in every problem.
6- Self absorbed and do not connect with other people. Their relationship always fail. They only link themselves to those who can be useful( temporarily) to them.
7- Extremely humble and kind to other such as neighbors, friend anyone else other than you. So they will definitely win PR battle. Everybody likes them, if you will tell someone how manipulative they are nobody will believe you.
8- Pathological liars. They can even pass the lie detector test.
9- Manipulators through silent treatment.
10- They belief that they are special and can only be understood by special people and institutes.
11- Gaslighting (denying the truth, making you feel guilty or ashamed, spreading rumors, stonewalling communication )
12- Daydream about fantasies of success, power, beauty and ideal lover.
Covert narcissist can sometimes becomes overt depending on the situation. This term is often mislabeled due to lack of awareness and misinformation. I recommend you a test which is to try saying "no" to them and then monitor their behaviour. If they show above traits then you are probably dealing with covert narcissist. Everyone shows some toxic behaviour but being covert narcissist means to shows these qualities as regular part of your personality.
Major causes
What causes someone to become covert narcissist? This question is very difficult to answer. I tried my best to collect the necessary data.
1- Genetics: It is often seen the parents or caregivers of narcissist also suffer from this condition. Children learn these technique as a part of their upbringing.
2- A study shows when parent overvalue or undervalue the achievements of children, this creates a sense of grandiosity among them.
The causes of covert narcissist are still not confirmed as this area is less researched and relatively new in the psychology.
Healing from trauma and how to deal with them?
It is challenging to deal with them especially if they are someone close to you like family members, partners, relatives, coworkers etc . The scenario is different if you have covert narcissist as a friend or partner I will advise you to run away from them.
Covert narcissist make people pity themselves through lies, telling people stories of trauma and abuse. These can make you to stay in a relationship and help them but know that you are not a therapist, so run away from the narcissist for sake of your mental health.
Blood relations, cannot be dissolved. You cannot break all your bonds with them especially in eastern societies. In this case try following these steps.
1- Acceptance:
Being aware of their condition is first and foremost step. Know that they are mentally ill and require consultation.
2- Avoidance:
do not involve yourself in difficult conversation with them. This will not make them accept their mistake.
3-Privacy:
Be private, do not share your personal stuff with them like your goal, plan, relationships with other what' s matter to you. Most certainly, they will not respect your privacy because they can
not keep boundaries, to them everything is acceptable.
4-Self- confidence:
if your parents are covert narcissist, build the sense of self regardless of your parents opinion. Be self aware if you are good at something know that you are . Do not seek validation from them.
5- Learn and be aware:
gain knowledge through the internet, articles, videos. If necessary consult a therapist to know your way out. Nothing is worth more than your mental wellness.
My last point or more of my opinion is to not abandon them if you have the capacity to help, do it, take them to a professional. This could be frustrating but worth a try if they are your family members. If you think you cannot, and you already have enough drama leave it do not emotionally torment yourself.
My last stance
In our surroundings, this mental illness has already prevailed, the narcissist are hiding behind their masks. If you can't identify them so that` s okay, but the key is to detach from them as quickly as possible.
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